I have no clue where my mother is right now and I don’t remember if I saved the last number she called from. I don’t know where she lives, who she hangs with, or if she ate dinner last night, and for many years I wouldn’t admit that her lack of love for her children had an effect on me but it did. I’ve been so hurt, to the point me hurting felt normal, and I never realized it because I adapted to it.
I’ve been a walking shell, hollow, void of emotions and compassion. I’ve been a sociopath, and I really enjoyed it honestly. If I operate detached it’s easy because being distant doesn’t come with any responsibility or accountability. Distance has been normal, even the distance between me and my goals, felt normal, because I never had to be intimate with anything that I touched, everything and everyone only had a half of me.
I learned from loving my mother, to never be committed to anything, nothing! Not even my own dreams, but oddly I did learn to be committed to something, my hurt!
Ironically though, as much as I’ve always been hurting, I still had the energy to be my mothers, father whenever she needed me
I’M MY MOTHERS DADDY
I had to figure life out by myself, without the wisdom or counsel of my mother. She wasn’t supposed to have children, in fact she was supposed to abort me and my two sisters or give us up for adoption because she was emotionally unavailable.
I’ll let my sisters tell their own story, and I’ll tell mine
I don’t recall my mother hugging me, or ever telling me that I was important. I don’t remember her being vulnerable, or being engaged in my life. Looking back on it though, I can’t judge her because she couldn’t give me what she didn’t have, but she is my primary influence that turned me into a sociopath.
I didn’t really have a concept of right or wrong, and I could not feel other people’s pain, so whenever I hurt someone, I would actually be offended at them for being hurt. I would be angry any time someone didn’t absorb the pain that I was giving them, and if I was ever hurt, subconsciously I enjoyed it.
Many times I created the conditions for someone to hurt me, because after a while, I would self-medicate from dysfunction, but despite that, I still found the time to give guidance to my mother. I tried to piece her life together just like she was my child. I tried to heal her even though I was broken, I tried to give her an identity even though I didn’t have one, I tried to have compassion for her even though, I hated myself for my problems.
Every time my mother was around me, she would ruin my life.
It’s something about her energy! Whenever she’s around, I’m unlucky, I’m unhappy and lost. Whenever she stopped caring for herself, I stopped caring about myself, I would basically mirror her, but despite that, I still found time to be her father.
I never had trust for my mother, because she would always tell my business, so whenever I had questions about life, I couldn’t go to her, because of my trust issues, and because she didn’t have the maturity to give me the insight to solve my problems. She never got over being raped, abused, and feeling insignificant about her dark skin, so where would she even get the strength to curve her insecurities, to make me a priority? I understand now.
Now I have a son, and I can truthfully understand my mother’s mind frame, because that can easily be me. If I don’t repair things about me, my son will try to do it. He will unknowingly put his life on hold trying to be my father, thinking he can fix me, but time will pass, and his attempts at fixing me will back fire, until he’s a zombie himself. He won’t be able to love anyone, he’ll be scared of a connection, he’ll be a sociopath, and he’ll ruin anyone that tries to care about him.
MY MOTHER MADE ME DANGEROUS
See, I have no problem getting anything I want because I have the ability to be totally disconnected from my words, I’m also very clever, and cunning. I spent a lot of time collecting people, hoping to fill a void, and whenever I got bored, I would do something that would completely shatter a person, cause when I cut, I make sure it’s deep.
Usually when you hurt a person the right way, they are too weak to leave, and now they are a slave to you. I would do that on purpose, so people couldn’t leave. It allowed me to feel wanted, because I never felt wanted by my mother. I did that shit for years, and I got better and better, because I have high levels of charisma, but most importantly, being hurt was my fuel. Revenge is an ambition incomparable to anything else! I was focused, I was driven, and I was a great listener, and that made me unstoppable.
One day I woke up and I just didn’t have it in me anymore to play games. I couldn’t tell anymore lies to myself, I had to be brutally honest. “I’M DAMAGED” There is so much a left out of this, but trust me when I tell you, I’m mentally and emotionally fucked up. I’m honest about it now.
I know for certain, every talent that I have is fueled from hurt! I also know that if I exchange that hurt, for a happy memory, I’ll have to release my talents, but I’m willing to do that for my son, because I always want him to be my son, and not my father.
My mother held on to her hurt for far too long, now it’s to the point, I really don’t have a place to in my mind, for her to dwell. As I figure myself out more and more and repair, I realize I don’t actually need her, for anything. I got this far without her. I managed to not kill myself, and at least keep a roof over my head, and my son’s innocence is still intact, so really, I don’t need my mother for anything, and I don’t want to be her father anymore
THE GAME 2.0
People change, I never under-estimate nature, but I really have no desire to have a relationship with my mother, even if she became the next Oprah. I would really be happy for her, and I’d cheer her on from a distance but I wouldn’t be eager to be around her, and I’m ok with that. I would love if she had a relationship with my son though because that will give her a chance to do it all over again, and that would be all the closure I need.
THE GAME 3.0
I realized a long time ago, my journey is mine, and mine alone, I guess I didn’t want to come to terms with it. No one has anything for me, it’s up to me to create the life I want to live, and I need to do it without fear. I have no clue how many moons I have left, so it wouldn’t be wise for me to approach life from a disconnected place. Fuck it, dive head first, and let the chips fall where they may, cause when it’s over, it’s over. One thing I am sure of is, I got one child, and I don’t have any room on my plate to father someone that is supposed to mother me.
THE GAME 4.0
I don’t like my mom, but I do love her, cause real love is truth, and truth is ugly, and there is no conditions to my un-conditional love
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