“Look into my eyes,
You can’t give up,
You shouldn’t fall over just because of a little wind,
you were made to bend not break in a storm,
you’re the lungs that needs to breath, you’re the life that needs to be born” ~‘A Conversation With the Mirror’, Flowers In December
There have been plenty of times where I wanted to kill myself. Well no I take that back. I never wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to stop. I just wanted to be free. I wanted to be out of this dark hole that I had no clue I dug myself into.
With this post I am going in alignment with the Great Mother. As she purges I feel I should as well. Hopefully this will help someone. I urge you to talk to someone before making a choice so final. I know you just want the pain to go away and I am not here to judge you for that. It’s a decision you cannot take back! Please talk to someone first, you’re not alone. There are resources available. contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8755. I have personally used this myself.
“Please grandma I will clean up after mommy you won’t have to do it anymore” I would beg my grandmother. And that is what I did. I was 5 years of age and I was my mother’s care taker because I didn’t want her to leave me. I needed lots of hugs and kisses as a child. My love language was and still is touch. My mother was paralyze from the waist down. I never knew her in any other form. My grandmother did the very best she could but at her age, taking care of children and a grown woman was too much for her. I remember that day so vividly. I still become my 6 year old self when I think about it. My mother begging not to be put in that home and me in the back seat screaming and crying out of control “MOMMY! MOMMY!”. I remember we pulled off and I cried the whole way back to the house (it didn’t feel like a home anymore) with my eyes glued to the back seat window as I wanted to hold on to her as much as possible even though she was out of site.
“Cry to heal, cry it out, let the water in your tears cleanse your heart, there is power in your release, purge old toxic memories, and clear your vision” ~Cry It Out poem, Flowers In December
At 12 I tried to commit suicide by taking a lot of cough medicine in my Gatorade. But all it did was make me high and put me to sleep and I ended up throwing it all up the next day. I can still smell the scent of that cough medicine and I remember the taste. As I write this it is becoming very vivid in my memory again. I was riddled with guilt because I thought it was somehow my fault that my mother was like this. What if she never had children, would her condition have gotten so bad? *THINGS I ASK MYSELF*
My mother wouldn’t have been able to live if I did such a thing and I would never even tell her my thoughts of killing myself. It would hurt her too much because my sister and I are her reasons for living. I am glad that attempt failed because it gives me a mission to work toward in life. My mother’s life is my mission. It’s my fuel to succeed. It’s why I work so hard and have sacrifice so much. I will have her home with me again.
I was 18 years of age and we were laying in the bed. I remember that we were excited to see our favorite basketball team Miami Heat play on TV.We loved Dwayne Wade and he was whooping the Lakers ass that night,then he turned to me and said,
“Gina if I died would you come to my funeral?” I looked at him strangely
“Of course I would. But why are you even asking me that?” I responded. He paused and then said, “Don’t worry if I’m not here you still have your dad to make sure you’re okay.”
We laid together in silence after that for a few minutes. Somehow I knew I wasn’t going to see him after that night. He usually would spend the night with me but this night his phone kept ringing. I recall his homeboy talking so loudly that I could hear panic in his voice. I could not make out what he was saying, but whatever it was, it was urgent enough, that my boyfriend got up to leave.
I remember thinking in my head maybe I should stop him or beg him to stay with me like I he normally would, but I didn’t.
That was the last night I saw him alive.
“In the mist of my abandonment, I’ve come to the conclusion. That life wants me to save myself” ~Still Standing poem, Flowers In December
I remember calling this phone the next day. His sister picked up “Hello” she said very quietly. I was puzzled as to why his sister was answering his cell phone.
“May I speak to Trey?” I asked. (That is not his real name. I won’t mentioned it here out of respect for him and his family)
“Gina, he was murdered last night.”
My life crumbled and I went through a serious depression for 6 months straight not leaving my home or eating. I lost a lot of weight. I thought of ways to die but ultimately what kept me alive is his voice echoing in my ear. His encouragement and ambition haunted me as he was always pushing me to make the most out of myself. For that reason I couldn’t die. I had to make him proud. I had to keep my promise.
I had to file bankruptcy!
I had to have a second surgery because the circulation in my foot was gone!
I was sleeping on friend’s couches with no place to call my own!
See where I am going? These reasons and more are reasons I had to give up but I didn’t. I am not glorifying my trials,we all have them. I am actually grateful for my story because some have been through things 100 times worse. But I’m still here, you are still here, we are still here.Look at your resilience. Look at your strength. Aren’t you glad you didn’t commit suicide too? Look at what you have to offer the world now. Look at how many people you can help that have been where you have been. “Prophet” from your pain and use that wisdom for the next stages of your life to share with others. I will leave you with these words…
“Dark clouds hanging
It’s been raining for awhile now
But I know the sun still shines behind the clouds
And a candle the midst of a sunny day can’t truly shine
I’m the candle in this darkness, bright enough to light up this entire room
And I trust the light put in me is more than enough to overcome this lingering gloom
So I will transform the dark clouds that surrounds my mind
And shine as a guide for others who are still stuck in a dark clouded mind.” ~‘Dark Clouds, Flowers In December
Flowers In December is a book I was inspired to write for a former co worker. She was battling deep depression and I would write her poetry and give it to her on my lunch break. The words helped her to keep going. Poetry has always been my personal form of prayer and affirming because it has a rhythm making it easy to remember. I call them poetic affirmations. If you know anyone who needs encouragement point them to this book because it is often our perspectives about our situations that keeps us trapped. You can find it on Kindle by going here to Amazon or directly download the PDF file here. (The PDF version has a reflection section where you can print the pages and journal your thoughts)
If anything I have said has helped you, show your appreciation by buying me a cup of tea. I’m not a fan of coffee. https://www.paypal.me/GinaMMarie